dream of tommorrow

2003-08-12T00:59:00.000-05:00

ok

so it didn't really work out with Zhao... too bad.. he's HOT
LOL John thought he was pinoy all this time.

anyhow

so i've got a few options now... ^_^

and when did Jason [Genivieve's kuya] start working at EYEMASTERS... man i'm DEFINITELY getting all my eyewear needs from there from now on ^_^ LOL

yes-- yet again i get bebe frames. dude they're the best ones there. they don't carry that neo somethingerother line anymore. =/ they had nice frames too, even though my ma would never buy them for me... aaaah well.

yea the Visible Changes display had a BAND HALL in it. LOL

yawn-- i'm lamer tired

4 Things

Name 4 things you have done today:

- sleep

- eat

- yawn

- get online

Name 4 things you are thinking about right now:

- laundry

- packing

- clubbing

- birthday parties

Name 4 scents you love:

- lavander

- green tea

- jasmine

- Emporio Armani

Name 4 things you'd never wear:

- Neon Pink cotton shorts

- the 80s Molly Ringwald \'16 candles\' look

- ugly shoes

- fake Sanrio

Name the last 4 things you have bought:

- instant dinners

- candy

- meals

- party cover

Name 4 things drinks you regularly drink:

- milk

- water

- orange juice

-

Name 4 bands/groups most people don't know you like:

- Left of Zed

- BEP

- S.E.S.

- sexbomb

Name 4 bad habits you have:

- peeling my nails

- picking at my hair/scalp

- flirt and not know it

- shopaholic

Name 4 things you wish you had:

- money

- car

- driver\'s liscence

- reading and writing profficiency in 5 Asian languages

Name 4 people who know you best:

- Herman

- Diem

- Vinh

- Caroline

This survey was taken at powersugoi.net!

I THINK I'M ALLERGIC TO MY HOUSE!!!!!

2003-05-18T20:11:00.000-05:00

i met a cute Chinese guy back home.

whoda thunk

all i had to do was go home.

LOL

I MUST MASTER FRECKLES!

http://wolf.cheats4us.org/pimptest/index.php?x=82751

^_^

2003-03-21T08:45:00.000-06:00

it said
CONGRATS!
You're a Cosmopolitan! You're modern, hip, and always in fashion. Yep, a regular slave to society.

i'm watching direct effect...

the war blows, we just got out of mexico when the war was on.
the next morning we were watching coverage form bagdad.
mexican stations are there but i odn't think there are MANY american reporters.

where we wre it was all mexican stations- sucks for us english speakers
plus there was a lot of war coverage... not much time for watching the novelas.
i love tv novelas

2003-03-21T08:41:00.000-06:00

Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?

just came back form community service

don't want to talk about the whole asian girl drama thing

it's over
but
i'm still bitter
and not to mention
unhappy about how the situation panned out

screwed over by two arts in one year
aiiiiiiiii ya

anyhow

i finally got some decent internet service right now.
my oppa fixed it for me

i'm waiting for chan to get back so we can go to the park on sunday...
he siad he got me something in new york
yay!

my socks smell...

i should go

i got this and gin and tonic

I'm a Cosmopolitan, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!
i really don't understand how i'm not a strawberry daquiri
when i go shopping
all teh guys look at me like all they want to do is fuck me... so how iam i not a strawberry daquiri?
the world willl never know...

2002-12-20T17:34:00.000-06:00

next stop: P.I.
hmmm wonder how this trip will pan out.

my parents are telling m e we may visit state side relatives this ummer.
i want to see ching-ching.
she's a teenager now.
i haven't seen her in years.
she's cute!
she'll probably be a heart breaker.

awwww

and alexander was well

those two are so cute and charming
hehe

i can't wait to see them again!

2002-12-20T17:28:00.000-06:00

i've told you of my bad luck, ne? ok: here's the recap
so i met a nice guy just yesterday. wow a nice FILIPINO how often does that happen?
he's a friend of Kuya A. we were hanging out at 1970's [now Tea of Love ???] anyway
so we're about to leave, me, Ryan, Mei-Mei, Andrew [sandi], Andrew [token puti boi jp jp jp], kuya's kuya, Pheobe, Jama [Pheobe's property], Will, Sheryl [sp? Will's property], crap and that cute girl who doesn't drink caffeine!
then this filipino Andrew guy shows up. he's from Katy...
maybe that's why he's a bit nicer? eh *shrug* anyway so we leave for the Galleria area, demo ... not before mei-mei and i have a stab at him.
kare wa choo kawaii! "samui desu, ne?" aiiiii! choo ka-wa-iiiiiii!!!! escond filipino that reminds me of Arima except he's a bit dark and goofy.
anyway-- his heart goes out to someone else [ha! how lucky am I?] and he's telling me and mei mei of his circumstances. it seems depressing. "anata no situation daikirai desu." "it never really phased me." but it seems to bother him. i mean if he's going to wear a ring to symbolize how much he likes her... but maybe i'm reading to much into his ring...

demo...

his situation is still depressing, she seems to hurt him. and he WAS HURT last night. but he's a nice friend. he let me sleep in his lap ^_~* at Tri Ky

lol

when we suggested Tri Ky [mei mei's suggestion] he-- "holy..."

silly, "as long as i odn't get jumped."
"you don't care about being shot...?"
"oh shot's ok, i just don't want to get jumped."

the person he's interested in, he said lives inner city
he was jumped by her homeboys...
gir's got protection
i supposed i could compare it to the DEBUT... if i SAW IT!

sigh

he's like Arima-kun... demo goofy.
and i don't think Arima-kun would play pool. at all.

i've met a model student.

*sigh*
{ start whining]
why do i have to be so lucky?
*sarcasm, btw*

i woke up at around one

the whole time i was at TK i was nauseous due to his circumstances.
i felt bad he was being hurt by the one he cares the most about...
demo
i don't want to get involved... he's not asking me to of course
but i think f i think about it too much it's the same way as getting involved, ne?

but id din't want to be insensitive and not listen, actually i was very curious as to his situation. but it's probably been long standing and even more complicated than he made it already seem. aiiiiiiiiii ya! FILIPINOS ARE SO COMPLICATED

it never works out for me

i finaly meet a DECENT FILIPINO... and he's involved in situations of his won... and he's soooo kawaiii! especially when he talks and smiles.... he smiles with his eyes!!!!

awww, i never have any luck.
{ /end whining]

2002-12-11T03:25:00.000-06:00

what color are you?

hahahaaa

I'M A CHEERLEADER!!!!

yea!

have i posted my wishlist yet?
cry me a river... ooooooh
i like this song better than his first, even though it was so cool bc of PHARELL

holy crap Pharell is hot.

w i s h l i s t

i swear the girl in his video looks like Brittney until she gets out of the shower.
i never watch the whole thing.
how is she cheating?

2002-12-08T12:30:00.000-06:00

i had a dream just now about a.a.b.

i'm not even going to try to disguise this
it's not like he'll find this anyway.

[this was a dream setting, i have not seen this place yet in real life]
there was a play area next to a library
he was chasing stephany, or something. R.Ky was there. there was a lot of dirt.
stephany looked different she had long black hari in a pony tail, tall and slender.

i tried to go to the library from where they were
i waved before they played chase.

my friend and i were stranded for some reason from our group.
so i left her somewhere looking for my id telling her that i'd be back.

i'm waiting for a time to cut through.

R.Ky introduces me to stephany, but i remind him he has done that sometime before.
he asks how i'm doing.
ok.

i am about to cry.

i leave for the library.

there are a lot of steps.
i go inside to this other entrance.
thre is a line of women with children trying to get out.
like an airline line for a bathroom i guess.
they speak in french.
then a woman says, 'not even a bathroom here,' huh

then i go to another area.
i look for another floor, there is none, it is dark inside.
so many computers.
i sit on the side stairs that go now where.
art sees me
he sits by me.
i remember typing
he says
you know we don't have to be 'together.' all the time, the full sense.
maybe not for you, but for me that sucks.

that's the first dream about art i've had i think.

this means i still care.

i only have dreams about guys if i truly care.
i don't think i even had dreams about Mike O.
and i know i didn't have dreams about S.Phu N.

so what does this all mean.
there wre swings on the park area, everything was intwined.
me and adriana were stranded.
i felt guilty about leaving her somewhere.

mr. falkin?
i wonder who he is...

i wonder most about this though: why did i have sucha dream about a.a.b.
he confessed something to me.
does he care about me still?

sitting w/ me in the dark, confessing to me...
he can't tell me anything when anyone else is around.
noting but poeple on computers around us.
blue glow, blacl of night, room with no escape...

analyze this. blah.

i guess if he still cares, he can't admit it to public because he cares but he's scared.
he doesn't care enough to make a full effort for me.

if he even cares....

so i had a dream about a.a.b.

i wonder what that means.

2002-11-17T22:49:00.000-06:00

yea so my mom called about an hour or so ago
::checking call log::
nope, 8.20.30p, about two hours ago.
talked for
::checks call log::
00:06:58 minutes

she's being accussing again. this whole dallas trip, it's bad enough i haven't been to an airport by myself, plus the added fees bc of september 11, but now this...

i don't have to drink or smoke or anything. i'm just going to chill.

so anyhow... i notice the crisis charcter i am... "you have a bit of a temper"

my roomie Thi was reading it, and i looked at it too.
i DO have a temper don't i?

how the fuck?
dumb ass piece of shit
you were never there for me emotionally and at first you thought i was anorexic and presed me to watch those specials on tv about anorexia

i'm done for now.

2002-11-03T22:14:00.000-06:00

Which Cosmic Crisis character are you?

2002-11-03T00:08:00.000-06:00

so today i did the fashion show for Judson HS
It was pretty fun, in fact. the guys there werne't soo bad. they were real nice, and didn't hit on me.

there was this one realllly fly white boy... kind of a shorty, but he looked like a model.

i was digging the hair.

there were two pretty little asian girls there as well. one of the guys [austin powers] was from one houston... but he has fam from mo. city. i talked him up a little. he's a nifty guy.

aol commercial

so yea, saw the Japanese version of THE RING on halloween/all souls day... if im that freaked out over the Japanese verison i really shouldn't see the American version. i don't want to either. i am so afraid of all things black and white... mirrors and scary things on television. i think my a&f poster guy will grab me... bit i'm too lazy to bring down the poster. i figure i'll get over it soon so why do it just to put it up again...

honestly this a&f poster guy isn't that hot... kind of think i should have just gotten the girl...

the white boy could dance

i want to go to one of their football games, they have their own stadium! won five state champion ships... i think we've performed at their school one time... not sure. i'll ask hte directors next time i get a hold of them. their stage and band hall building seamed a bit familiar.

theater ppl aren't that bad looking, one chubby chinese guy... not too chubby... seemed like a nice guy

ms. catherine was telling me though that they were being lazy during the final rehearsal... bleh.

i heldped them take the stuff to foleys.
it wasn't that bad.
cold, but not bad.

when i said i was from htown she said "an import"
she's cool. i like her. she seems real nice. funny too.
told me about the adrenaline rush doing a show gives you and
that she's getting too old for it.

thought it was funny how i thought she was in her twenties/thirties...
she's 45!

would have never guessed.

she dropped me off, chris martinez took me... he's so nice
but i was supposed to ride back with lindsay and i couldn't find her so i caught a ride with ms. producer Catherine.
she's nice, said she started working with R. Mitchell when he was a little older than me... i'm thinking when he was 20.

she modeled for about twenty years, produced many shows, like "baby can..." that was hers, started three years ago.

i think i should go now...

2002-10-25T02:41:00.000-05:00

[10/25/2002 2:34:38 AM | annabelle paterno]
oh yea, onii-san is leaving today.

i ran into him last afternnon and asked if he had b=packed yet. of course he didn't

aiii ya

boston, maybe he'll run into his ex. or maybe the three exes... bah whatever.

lmao

hope everything goes well for him. he really works so hard. i reallly hope everything turns out as can be hoped for! i don't want him stuck in SA. =(
even though i'll miss onii-san sooo much.

but i always have the memories... HEYYYY JUDE!

i'm not as mad now.
still pissed no doubt...

i don't want to have to hug him for michi's sake again though...

alternative music isn't helping, although it should be.

michi can't live w/out music. his car died outside of wendy's and we were stuck for a hwile.
when we picked up the new car at his house... music!
he was happy

popped in a chinese tape... taiwanese cantonese madarin, i really don't know... it sounded old fashioned asian pop... not like younger generation stuff... but then i don't know chinese pop groups/singers...

i'm more japanese and korean.

he sings pretty well also, cupid-112

how cute!

wow, i feel better when i focus on michi... hmmm

well, as with all bad memories i'll probably eventually block out this afternoon along with the first seven or eight years of my life.

2002-10-25T02:02:00.000-05:00

so i was with michi this afternoon and his buddy jerry. jerry gets on my nerves, but i let him be an ass on his own part without me interfering.
sarah got uncomfortable. i felt bad. i didn't want her to come if he was going to be there b/ci had a good idea of whta would eventually happen.
he'd get very demanding and persistant and not listen to what she had to say and overall just make her uncomfortable as well as me.
then he'd get all mad because he's not getting any play.

this happenned in saks. he got pissed. he was like, 'let's just go.'

and i'm the immature one.

he was the one who asked me if it was ok that he went.
he said he was being nice.
then i conferencewith sara and i say no
i'd rather you not be there. becaues i relaly didn't want to go if he was going to be ther.
then he makes a big deal saying, "that's really mean how can you say that?"
he was the one who was talking shit saying i gave his friend micheal head
he was the one who was being condescending and abrasive beforehand saying things that he shouldn't be saying and trying to correct me on my english like i'm an idiot.
wth? he had no fucking right to be like that.

and in the car he punches the car seat, my head rest, and says,
"i hardly hit you. . ."

mother fucker.
io fucking cussed out that bitch and he was asking why i was fucking getting mad?
he was the one who fucking hit the seat, it hurt. that wasn't a fucking tap.
motherfucking bitch.
but michi held my hand ofter that. i think he tuned into his inner intuition and got the point that i was pissed.

i know that 's like his BEST friend in the whole world... i mean obviously. where there's michi there's jerry...

so anyhow

yea i'm mad

and he's oblivious ot how he is.

pisses the shit out of me.

saying, oh i'm being polite. mother fucsking bullshit mother fucker. that's not being polite. you don't fucking know how to treat a person.
i'm not going to say he doesn't know how to treat a girl... he doesn't know how to treat the general human poultian. particularly girls/females/women.

"take a fucking joke, please."

take a fucking hike.

sarah has a fucking boyfriend, if he can't handle that then that's really all too bad. he shouldn't try to push it.
"your boyfriend's all the way over there, i'm here"
"tell your bf you're with me now"

bull FUCKING shit!

mf was doing that shit in the car both ways when traveling. couldn't fucking leave that subject alone.

i like sarah a lot., and relationships [friendships, bf/gf, etc.] don't hold well to me i guess, maybe that's why i'm more protective. but honestly he needed to back the fuck off.

so now i'm wondering: am i ever going to see miche outside of michi and jeremy.

or is it always going to be like this.

i odn't want to see them. i want to see... HIM.

no more bullshit

i've put up with too much already.

2002-10-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

so anyway, this guy from SAC is trying to hook me up with his friend. i guess it's ok.
it's funny. i knew i'd miss onii-san, but i was really in withdrawal yesterday. it made me think.: think about how him and his gf feel. i'm only in the same country, maybe a couple hundre miles away. she's in a different continent, even.
who am i going to chill with when he leaves? i know i'm going to be a hermit again.
not that i mind, really. ha~ maybe i'll get some studying done!

there was a DDR-a-thon in the student center. american version. i actually got 'C's. niiiiiiiiiiice.
it's 10:26a. i had NO idea of how loud my phone alarm is. i swear... it was echo-ing

you know ricky* invited me to go to Dallas with them, but i didn't know what that was all about. i wanbted to, but i didn't know how Art* would have felt about that. Art* didn't say anything when ricky* asked. this was the day before onii-san left. onii-san asked if i'd seen art. i told him i saw him during lunch, when he was on the patio with the Korean students.
really? that one with the blonde hair?
iie, chigaimasu. that one is just a friend. my person is Thai. that blonde one you saw while you were still behind the glass doors. i saw him while you were outside on the porch, i called him out, said 'hey nerd,' really loud.

i was afraid onii-san would be late for class. it was 1.10 and he had still not left for his class in the fashion building. he had a merchandising exam. midterms right before his conferences. aiii ya. ::shakes head:: ha! the Korean students were holding him in conversation.

but yea, i said: did you guys think Onii-san was conceited when you first met him?
i asked this of summer*and issin*
and he later asks, i think because me and summer* were doing it...
i have made a new friend from Houston... and she always drinks like this...
and he sticks out his finger straight up [he's holding a tabasco bottle].
why?!

i didn't go to sleep until 3.30-ish am just like ysterday.

he showed me pictures of his wifey before we went to Ihop... she's BEAUTIFUL
only in the picture of her in kimono does she look hre age i guess. other than that, she looks like a little teenager. she's small also. very petite. he was asking me if i knew how to resize, and of course... basic windows programs suck. i tried, but yea... didn't work out too well. he showed me the picture of him that is posted in ICC. his modeling pic.

we kept counting down.
you're leaving in... two hours.

he didn't want to sleep because he was afraid of sleeping through it, missing the plane i guess. he's a TRUE insomniac. not like me. i just can't sleep at night, unless i'm sleepy. truly sleepy.

but yea, so Mike* the Chinese guy, his friend Jer* is half hispanic and italian. they met in HK. their ffamilies worked for the same county. well, we know who can't be president. ::shrugs:: they spend so much money! damn, they were making me feel poor. spend over a hundred dollars on a simple black shirt. what the... ::rolls eyes:: whatever. and the friend Jer* introduced me to the other night was looking for him right when i was about to go back to the dorm.

so anyway, i relaly dont know where this is going to go. i don't think this is the right person, and i'm not going to give him a bunch of down time. i'll make my decision after next week. i won't be here for the most part with hin the next few days.
Fall Break.

i wonder who'll be down. probably only me.
but yea, they kept asking me why i was tired or if i was tired. i told them
"oh, my friend left for a conference today, [it was still the same day] and i didn't get back from Ihop till 3.30-ish am and that's why i have that scratchy throat, but yea... i just miss my buddy. he was the only one i could honestly relate to." ::shrug::

i spent a good part of the afternoon cleaning the room. which obviously states something's up. Chris* called me when i was about to leave the DDR-a-thon to come over and watch movies. i told him maybe after i shower. and he was trying to sway me to shower with him... please? "i'll go after i shower."

so i'm in my dorm... i don't feel like going over. i'm a little hungry, he says i have soup here, but in order to get some you have to kiss me first, [thinking: uh, no.] "i think i'll stay here then."
this time he doesn't struggle to sway me to stay. oh, ok, i guess you should stay then... duh well, have a nice trip home tommorrow. bye how cold he turned, when he couldn't get anything. ai ya... not a good friend.

Dj Sammy's "Heaven"
that should be onii-sans' theme song.
baby, you're all that i want
when you're lying here in my arms
it isn't too hard to see
we're in heaven

Now our dreams are coming true
through the good times and the bad
i'll be standing there by you

we're in heaven
love is all that i need
And i found it there in your heart
it isnt to hard to see
we're i heaven

We're in heaven

2002-10-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

yea, so he left a few hours ago.
me him, summer*, and Issin* were hanging out at Ihop last... this morning. it was already morning when we left the student center.
and i thought I was an insomniac... ai yaaaa!
so i think if i don't go to dallas this weekend it'll be ok due to the fact that i still have to finish his present. hopefully i will have time. i dont' want to not have it done when he leaves. i don't know when or if he'll ever be around anymore. i doubt it.

so we're at Ihop and Issin* is tlaking about one night stands? i was lost, and summer* kept saying to me...
this is exactly why i don't like Korean guys... but that's how they were brought up yoou know?
one night is one night. issin* says.
issin is my age! i thought he was 20!
and onniiii-san says
"that's where i dissaggree with you, love has to be pure.if i'm going to have sex with someone i [have to love and trust then]."

see? he's got love on his side.
oniii-san is so lucky!
people think i'm a good writer, the truth is... i'm a good scribe, good at recording, then trimming it to sound better.
i only "write" when something terrible happens to me. honestly.

but anyhow, so issin* needed to sleep. i think he skipped his first class of the day. aiii ya
he was ranting, very badly. very badly.

we stayed there only an hour and a half i think, because i turned off my computer when we left the student center. ha! onii-san came over and asked if i'd like to go to Ihop and i left the guy that comes over to use the gym facilities... hte kon ketsu boy of Italian and Hispanic decent. he wanted me to tlak to his friend. but he says his friend lies. so, yea i don't want any ore byullshit.
summer: "i want something real. not anymore funfunfun..."

exactly!
NO MORE BULLSHIT!

so i guess basically i don't have art*
or a better way of seeing it: art* doesn't have me
hahhahahhahahaa that's right. he's missin' out!

anyhow. i feel bad about the first of the semester then. i know now not to be fooled by the masquerade. he's a nice guy, yes. but due to him not even trying to get to know me better or anything like that... plus he already has his own family... it's ok. i guess i never really had him or... was with him in the first place.

ha! they think it's funny that i don't want to marry a filipino. summer*understands. even though her bf is Korean, he wasn't born in Korea. he grew up in Canada, eh. hahhaha "eh" nvm... but yea. so he's not typical.
Issin* kept tlaking about military service and how he's not typical. i was still recovering fromt he fact that he was my age. i seriously thought he was 20!

onii-san:
"Summer*, why are you so focused on age today"

it's funny though, he came to the student center to get online.
he was talking to his ex in Buffalo that cheated on him. i found that a little odd since he doesn't seem like the type to keep ties with someone who cheated on him.
he was typing , while sitting at the same table as me, on his laptop on msn messanger in Hiragana and Katakana. i felt bad, because i still have a hard time with memorizing the characters.

i am able to recognize wa, mo, ki, my name, n, desu ka... but everything else is very difficult for me. =(
indeed. i think i was able to recognize genki desu ka?

it's funny to have smoker's throat... that scratchy voice when you talk... and you're not the one who smokes!

but the highlight
"i wish i had met you sooner, so we could do more together..."
and summer* looks up, and i look around the table, seeing if he's looking at any ONE of us.
she asks, "who, me?"
i'm wondering too.
then he says, 'all of you.'
and lifts his head and turns to me.

i wish i met you sooner, too. ...onii-san

i forget the name of the song:
Simple Plan's
"I'd do Anything"

i don't think i'll forget you.

2002-10-15T03:20:00.000-05:00

i hope this doesn't mess up on me this time. i've already typed this out, and am typing it again.
things are better spontatneously than rehearsed adn repeated for the masses.

it's even colder than the day before.

and it drizzles all throughout the day.

i see this figure going by the side of my building in a bright yellow fleece vest. his beanie is black...
i'm thinking, uh... who is this?
the figure looks familiar, but i don't really know. i didn't even feel myself stopping, and he comes up to me...

as he approaches his face looks more.... 'horse-face'
and i'm freaked out b/c i'm trying ot figure out... who is this?

and it's Ramon*
which is extremely odd, because Ramon* is really quite exquisitely handsome also.
so i run into Ramon* after finishing a few samples for my fashion class and he asks
"have you studied for the exam yet? i'm out here waiting for natalia... but she's taking forever!"
'no...'
[i hate... HATE LOathe Dimensions it really is a stupid class]
' would perhaps study if i cared. i don't like it, it's like they're trying to change me. i like me as i am!'
"it's not really that; they're just trying to tell you how to eat right and be healthier
'i suppose....'
"so how's you and art*?"
'i think you'd know better than me... you see him more than i ever do.'

i am about to cry so from now on in the conversation i avoid his eyes.
my voice was near cracking by this point as well.

"just break up with him. you hardly ever see him, he doesn't even talk to you."
'i understand he doesn't have time for me though... i mean he's busy'
"well, he can make SOME time... he doesn't even try to talk to you, busy with what?"

pause

'...well, he's graduating and he has a kid... i understand he doesnt' have too much time for me.'
"oh..."

i think that got him...

i think this is where i explained that he [art*] just came out of a three-four year relationship with the ex. the baby's mother. and how he has a daughter who just turned three this october, probably this weekend. [he went home this past weekend]

'besides, it's kind of hard to break up with someone if they're never there. how are you supposed to break up with them when you hardly see them?'

then LATER
i get a call form the LAC and they tell me i need to fill out paper work for the tutorial center.
so i figure i have time between now and my next class, might as well do it now.
i go down, tarepanda in tow, and he's sitting there. i wave. fill out the card. see if he's still ther and plan to say hello.

his head is on the keyboard drawer...
'i don't think you're supposed to type like that.'
and he looks up and i ask
'how long have you been here?'
not long, i just got here

and he shows me some of the flyers he's made.
last night he was telling me,
well, since i am leaving maybe you can take over making the flyers for LAC.
he was also trying to recruit me as a tutor, but i really am bad at teaching people. i said that to him. and i'm not being humble, i just am not good at that.
and he shows me them, they are like flyers i've made, a little too much info. ha! well made, just... too much info. to the point it takes up almost all the room.

i see this black one and he kind of pauses, i look at it and see oct. 7...
and 'international dinner'
and i'm thinking... huh?
he says,
'have you not seen that one?'
b/c he's about to shut the binder and i turn back the leaves to look at it more closely.

'no, i haven't. you made this? for the dinner? Juan never showed me this.'

ha! and he rolls his eyes.
i MAde this for him b/c he asked me to... you haven't seen this?
'no, this is the first time i've seen it.'

he seemeed irritated by that. i would be too. asking for soething and not applying it.
it's not like advise, where you could way it out to see if it fit you or not, Juan asked him for a SERVICE and he didn't even do anything with the fruits of his labor.

so basically he wasted his time.

and then he's asking
would you like to go to the cafeteria?
ok

ha! so we got ot the little cafe by my dorm and i am seriously not hungry.

you're not hungry?
no, i say.
i'm sorry, i sometimes just don't eat... '

then int he other cafeteria he asks me things in Japanese, things i haven't learned yet. i don't feel bad b/c i can't understand. i feel bad b/c i haven't learned more. and sometimes i forget things. like... i cna never remember 'konban wa' is good evening.
i don't know why that is.

and it's drizling...

Yasu* one of the exchange students from the HS ... the ATM ate his card.
it's so sad... i feel so bad for him. i knew before he said he'd use it to withdraw some money. and now he finally did and this is what happenned.
in the cafe he was talking to Yasu and i was conversing with the Taiwanese students. one of their birthdays is coming up.

then he ... i dunno... i just remember looking over, and thinking... ilalready know Yasu
'oh, i already know Yasu'
and i smile
'...no need to introduce us or anything.'

and he says that Yasu's card was not returned to him and asks who should we go to address teh problem. he suggestes the campus life office.
i say i don't think they'd be able to help, much less care... but it wouldn't harm to look into.
so we go there. they can't helpo. and he takes a paper and pen

we go out and get the numbers off hte machine.

we get back and everytime he reaches for the phone...
spomeone gets on it.
eyeroll

then he takes something else down, reviews the paper, reaches for the phone/...
in use
rolls eyes.

i find it hilarious... his eye roll.
i do it too, but his is nicer.... mine makes it appear like i want to kill someone. i have a tendency to rolll and then scowl.

he told me the other night, when i told him about hte international dinner and how i got mad at the end..
"dont' expect anything good form ppl from SA"
reall?
"really."

and he went on to say how the mannerisms are different, for the majority is not of an Asian culture, so the respect or the way of respect and the way people interact with each other is painfully different.

so back to the eyeroll
he finally gets onthe phone, calls it up... isit down and do my own thing, ocassionally looking back form him to Yasu*
Yasu, i notice in the cafeteria, is much taller.
and he doens't even stand all the way straight all the time!

he laughs... awww, what an adorable smile onni-san has!
they're closed for columbus day
LMAO

but that sucks for Yasu, he's so sweeet.
he sits next to me and says, 'sorry.'
like it's his fualt.
i tell him, 'it's ok, i;m just sorry the ATM ate your card.'
and i was. how horrible for him!
no one can help until today [tmmorrow]
i caught that...
i asked, he cna't do anything about it until tommorrow?'
because the word ashita was used.
yes, he said.

poor Yasu... HOPEFULLY no one did anything.

i'm sleepy gtg...

2002-10-14T01:39:00.000-05:00

soooo

i have baddddd luck.

and he called.

i believe he knows.
it's probably because of trhe story he told me.
there's a girl at our school, one of three kids. they all attend the school.
she's very busy and she needs a tutor for math, and he asks him, now their schedules clash. and she invited him to a barbque previously and after that he received a call from her mom on his cell phone asking if he could tutor her, she'd be willing to pay him.
of course, he declines and he asks me
when she hugs me...i feel something else... maybe i'm misinterpretting?
now, i'm thinking... this isn't good.
he tells me that he thinks she has no respect.
because she hugs him and she knows he has a girlfriend back home.
it makes him uncomfortable.

i tell him, she's not trying to steal you from her. [he thinks that.] she just wants to explain her feelings.
since he is hree for such a limited time now, she wants to make her feelings known.
she KNOWS she can't be with you... as gf and bf...
she just want you to know.

he asks
would it be harsh if i told her it makes me uncomfortable?

and i say no, if you do that and she keeps doing that despite what you say... that's rude on HER part, because she's not respecting your feelings.

she just maybe wants to be a better friend.

he says
well, if she keeps doing that, she isnot welcome to be my friend.
i'm sorry.
see? i'm harsh.

ai ya...
so i'm thinking perhsps he'll drop me like a bad habit if he finds... well, he obviously thinks so much as that i like him...
but he's still tlaking to me... perhaps he is saying this to amke his feelings known that he is dedicated to what's going on with him, so i don't do something that might make him not want to be a friend to me anymore.

and we jump from subject A to subject B and dismiss them both.

i don't want to talk about either one.
he says, so i drop it. both subjects. all the possible outcomes, all the possible answers.

so we talk about california, conferences, classes...

i hate HATE... LOathe dimensions...
such a stupid calss.

i don't need to be changed. i like me for who i am!

so i'm not trying to steal him.
due to the circumstances my feelings as they are.
they don't matter.
he's freaking enGAGED!
i understand this.
he's practically married, for goodness sake.
i know. I KNOW.
dang.
i hate this.

i finally meet a good guy
when you hav a lot of shit, you appreciate great things that come and slap you in the face.
even if you can't have/par-take of[with?] that [in this situation] person.
it bites.
but ::sigh:: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

so maybe...
this was just a way of telling me, good things are out there.
just not yet.
you will get what you want... Later
and now that you know what you want out of life... out of relationships...

you don't have to go through the bullshit anymore.

BREAKUP WITH HIM!
HE'S GETTING YOU NOWHERE
he obviously doesn't care...
does he take time to talk to you... is he even making the effort...?!??!

DON'T BULLSHIT; YOU KNOW HE ISN'T!
his filipino side is SHOWING! WTH? you're still HERE?
get out of this situation now... you're going to be hurt, why postpone the hurt for later.
the pain will be even heavier on you!
don't do this to yourself!
HE'S FILIPINO! YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER FROM THE START ONCE YOU FOUND OUT HE WAS TO NOT DO THAT!
stop it!

you know you hate to waste your time!
why are you wasting your time, effort, feelings... on someone who obviously doesn't care about your well being, your heart...
maybe it's b/c he's heartless... but it's probably because he can't!
he has his own stuff to deal with anyhow... just let him go.

but what if i don't want to?

i need to brush my teeth...

i concentrate on my studies... i do, honest...
it's just perhaps...

you know what?
i've realized...
in order to get what you want, you have to act like what you want to get.
it's like karma, you get what you put out
or... you get what you deserve.

you can't be all up in everything and expect to get a good person.

i've been trying to cool out.
i've done a good job so far.
i'm changeing for me
because the present matters, but someppl like to know your past. you learn from your past.
i'd rather not tlak about mine.
it's not like i can go into detail anyhow... i have a tendency to blank out bad memories.

i forcibly blank out bad memories... sometimes.

perfect.
i got what i wanted, but it was wrapped all wrong, and i cna't accept it.
the present belongs to someone else. it just happens to be here by chance.
i can't keep what wasn't mine in the first place.
to do that would be wrong. and would hurt all involved.

life is full of suprizes.
it makes life interesting...

but it doesn't mean that they are all in your favor.

"lovefool"

ok i just saw dj qbert... i feel better.
no
i still want to puke.

2002-10-13T21:25:00.000-05:00

so anyway, i have such bad luck. i have met a very great person who i can tlak to. is fun, and is very opinionated. but he is engaged. the one person i can talk to on this campus without feeling stupid or akward. it really does suck to be a taurus sometimes, we are not good at holding relationships for long amounts of time, typically. under our sign friendships, people, relationships... they come and go. it's hard for me to attatch myself to anyone because no one really gets me. they can't understand me. ha! i'm a little odd, i would like to thinhk. it's sad, he's going to leave forever. he graduates at semester. then he's going to get a job and get married.
the good ones are always taken... or gay.
i'm 18 and already experienceing this first hand. what a cruel world! i thought this would happen to me in two years, but not now.
i used to not want to settle down. i thought of marriage as such an impossible venture due to the fact that a solid third of the married population [i think, i may be rounding up a little] is divorced. and the fact that, out of the billions of ppl on the planet... our ONE TRUE LOVE is lurking somewhere, we probably are oblivious to it!
if there is such thing as destiny, ... FATE.... if there is such thing as FATE... that ONE pre-destined path set out for all of us... what if we take a turn that we wern't supposed to? then what? one wrong move can screw you over for a lifetime... if not lifeTIMES.
i thought marriage was an impossible option. settling to one person, i though. i found it absurd at times. what if you fall in love with someone who wasn't really in love with you or vice versa? or what if you both THOUGHT it was love... and it wasn't. cruel world, yet still.
i want to be married, have that one true love. my best friend. my love. my heart.

i want that isangmahal.

i have found a sugoi person who is funny, opinionated, i can enjoy their company... this bites! how come i always end up screwed over somehow!
i am absolutely amazed and happy for him. i hope he becomes a great success and he lives a long, wonderful, prosperous life, him and his wifey...

i just wish... i wish to find someone LIKE him... not a replacement.
i mean.... i'd like to be with him, but how can i? that isn't realistic, and that's a bad thing to want. to be with someone who is already accounted for. =X

there can only be one him. and he isn't supposed to be with me... well, in the infinite and married sense. FATE IS BITING ME IN THE BUTT.

i hope to be fortunate to find him, the one that should be my love. the one that i can tease and joke with, the one that will laugh with me and get all my little quirks... i have many it seems ^_~*
the one i can eat with chopsticks with and he won't poke... TOO much fun at me.
the one who can watch me sleeping.

can you see me?

this must be a life lesson.
"everything happens for a reson"
bah. ::sigh::

it makes me wonder about my past relaitonships.
makes me wonder if there was any validity to them.
i have done so many STUPID THINGS.
given my heart to ppl who denied it's value. denied my value... didn't believe my sincerity, ppl who ewre probably lying to me from the begginning.
people who took me as utterly absurd. people whose lifestyles i couldn't handle and they found me ... immature,

my last boyfriend was practically a drug dealer.
now i'm seeing? someone with a child. a person who it's hard enough to talk to him just due to the fact that he's NEVER around.
and one of my ex's is now a reformed christian and seems to be upset that i am not doing the same.
it's not that i have no beliefs...i just don't share his.

and the others... i guess as boyfriends, they aren't worth mentioning.

i've been in love once.

but other than that... where have i gone?
nowhere.
dead end relationships that go nowhere.
people who drift away, like abandoned rafts on the current.

and i've made a friend out of someone i wish i met sooner.
someone i wish dated filipinas.
someone i wish that i shoul've introduced myself to earlier.

but perhaps even then he was engaged.

he sings and gets really into it.
he'll jum[p around like a rock star and belt out the lyrics, not afraid to crack his voice a little.
he feels the songs and enjoys the music.
and i saw his ring, and looked at his face, looked at his eyes.
he has such BEAUTIFUL eyes.
perhaps i shouldn't be writing this...

it's very bold.

but it's faster to type out my feelings. much easier, in fact. i think too fast sometimes for pen and paper.
i have a tendency to ramble.

but even still his eyes...
i think it's too bold for me to look toolong, so i take glimpses here and there.
he kept trying to read my journal.
he asked first, of course. i think he sensed something deep about it.
i did write about him... like an idiot.
baka...
::sigh::

but he read the first entries, done by my kaibigans.
i don't want him to read those things i wrote. they are too bold, i think.

i might scare him; i'd rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life at all.

i have so little time to spend with him as the situation stands.

might as well not screw it up b/c i wish for something, an impossible dream.

theme song:
Luv U Better
LL Cool J

verse two
Some say love is painful it helps you grow
Well it's time for the pain to go, ya'know

verse three
It's a brand new me, a brand new you
A brand new day, sky so blue
Hold my hand while I walk with you
Sit on my lap [your lap], lemme talk to you...

From this day forward I'll never be the same
I'ma rub your lower back, share my dreams...

Watch you sleep, so peaceful and serene
A toast to the queen [king], you're back in my life...

Trust me, from the bottom of my heart...